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Worst of the Week: Dirty money

Hello! And welcome to our Friday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!

And without further ado:

I am going to go ahead and assume that a solid majority of people reading this are doing so because they have been waiting in line in front of their favorite Apple product outlet for at least 3 days and have run out of just about anything to stem the tide of boredom. I will also assume that if you have somehow managed to get your hands on the latest iPhone product, you will not be reading this because you are stashed away somewhere in a dingy motel becoming more “intimate” with the latest features of the iPhone 5.

So, back to those of you still waiting in line with nothing better to do. In an attempt to at least keep you entertained for a few minutes I wanted to pass on a couple of post-acquisition suggestions as you waste away precious days/hours/minutes waiting for a product that next week you will be able to just walk in an pick up.

Now, obviously you are tired, hungry and probably smell a bit seeing that you have been “camping” on concrete with the local wildlife for at least the past 72 hours. So, the first thing you are going to want to do after finally getting your hands on the iPhone 5 is immediately go home and take a shower. Now, I know you are going to be tempted to immediately rip open the box and remove what has been your lives mission up to and including this very moment, but resist that urge. You smell. And not in a good way. Go home and shower.

The iPhone 5 will need to be charged up anyways and will probably also need a handful of updates just about any new consumer electronics device needs upon first firing up these days. Plus, do you really want to put those grunge-encrusted hands onto something as pristine and pure as an Apple product? Of course not. Go take a shower!

Side note on trying to get home to take that shower: Don’t try to use the iPhone 5 to direct you home. I am sure in most situations you don’t need a GPS device to get you to where you live, but as you are now likely barely conscious due to sleep deprivation and likely also vibrating a bit due to the fact you now have your “precious” in your hands, some directions might be a good idea. However, don’t … I repeat … don’t try to use the mapping feature in the new iPhone. Apparently, in an attempt to squeeze as much profit out of its devices as possible – you know, to help out shareholders ticked off that their Apple stock is at only $700 per share – Apple outsourced the details of its mapping service to a 6-year-old.

Now, that the shower thing is out of the way (and really, don’t you feel better?) it’s time to really get involved with Stevie. Whose “Stevie,” you may be asking? Well, while you were showering, I took the liberty of naming your phone for you. Why “Stevie?” Mostly because he wore a cape all through sophomore year, and that’s just awesome.

Wait, you don’t name your electronic devices? What are you, weird or something?

OK, now that you are clean, your phone is charged and has a name, let me just throw out one very important recommendation for what you should do now that you have Stevie ready to alter your reality: Seek out all people with Samsung devices and demand patent money (valid only in Unites States, with Cupertino, Calif., most likely location for success.) Seriously. Apple is looking to extract billions of dollars from Samsung because the South Korean device copy-cat infringed on Apple’s patenting of the “rounded rectangle” shape, and there is no reason why you shouldn’t be privy to some of that loot.

While iPhone people tend to stick together, I am sure you can find a few friends that have a Samsung device. And if not, just start accosting people on the street. There is money to be had here, so enact that ability to talk down to those without iPhones and demand that they give you money. Lots of it.

OK, enough of that.
Thanks for checking out this week’s Worst of the Week column. And now for some extras:

–T-Mobile USA took on new leadership this week, naming former Global Crossings CEO John Legere to head up the carrier. I am sure that Legere knew what he was getting himself into by taking the reins of a carrier that obviously has some “operational” issues to work out. However, just a day after Legere was named to the new post, T-Mobile USA did come out with news that it would include a version of “Marvell’s The Avengers” with all new Samsung Galaxy S3 devices. I know that’s just a small step, but the inclusion of that movie hints that T-Mobile USA may still have a chance. Hulk Smash!!!

–While on the topic of Apple vs. Samsung, I would like to put one notch in the “win” column for Apple for the fact that the latest iPhone has a number “5” after it, instead of Samsung’s decision to use the Roman numeral “III” for its latest Galaxy device. I am guessing it’s quite apparent that I am not a fan of Roman numerals for mobile devices as I have constantly used the number “3” when talking about the latest Galaxy. To me, Roman numerals should only be used for awesome movies (examples: “Rocky” or “Star Wars”) and rich-people characters on television (examples: Thurston Howell), and that’s all.

While I think in general using a simple number to distinguish the latest version of a consumer electronic device is just being lazy, if you are going to do it at least keep it simple.

I welcome your comments. Please send me an email at [email protected].

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