Worst of the Week: Conspiracy Theories

Hello!
And welcome to our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. There’s a lot of nutty stuff that goes on in this industry, so this column is a chance for us at RCR Wireless News to rant and rave about whatever rubs us the wrong way. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
So I’m not one to be paranoid, but I think it’s clear that people are following me and that my phone is tapped and that satellites are recording my brain waves right now. I’m also not one prone to conjecture, but I’m pretty sure the wireless industry is run by a secretive cabal of old, white men who dress in robes and have secret handshakes and can predict the phases of the moon with uncanny accuracy.
Indeed, I think the writers of “The Simpsons” were trying to warn us about this situation with their episode about the secretive “Stonecutters” organization. Note the lyrics to the “Stonecutters” song:
Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the martians under wraps?
We do! We do!
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
We do! We do!
See what I mean?
Anyway, the point is that I’m pretty sure the wireless industry is behind a number of scary, mysterious conspiracies going on right now. I don’t have any evidence for any of these wild assertions, but a lack of evidence-and, indeed, a lack of reason-have never stopped me from shooting off my big dumb mouth.
So here we go.
Conspiracy 1
The wireless industry is forcing people to move from one location to another. Why would that secretive cabal do such a horrible thing, you ask? Well, everyone I know who has ditched their landline phone did so because they moved to a new location, and it was just too much trouble to sign up for a new landline phone. Therefore, it must be the wireless industry that is making people move.
Who’s overtaking wireline phone penetration rates?
We are! We are!
Conspiracy 2
Have you noticed that each of the nation’s top-four carriers raised their text messaging rates from 10 cents to 15 cents-all in the span of about six months? Don’t you find that strange, especially when the cost of just about every other wireless service (voice calls, data transmissions, location services) is falling?
Now add this to the wrinkle: Several of the nation’s major carriers have recently introduced unlimited messaging plans. So if the cost of relaying a text message is increasing, why does it make business sense to offer an unlimited messaging option?
Now I’m not one to level allegations of antitrust activity willy-nilly, so let me just say: I think the carriers have conspired to raise the price of text messages in order to get people to sign up for messaging plans.
Who should be investigated for antitrust activities?
We should! We should!
Conspiracy 3
The $600 iPhone. That’s just about all I’m going to say about that. I mean, come on, $600? What the heck? Unless the iPhone also makes dinner for you every night, $600 is totally ridiculous.
Who needs to subsidize the iPhone?
We do! We do!
And, finally, conspiracy 4
The wireless industry is trying to kill me. Why would I make such an outlandish claim? Well, first of all, coverage in most major cities (and most minor cities, for that matter) is now pretty much excellent. I can hold a call from one end of Denver to the other. Wireless coverage really is excellent.
But why is great coverage the primary factor in my imminent death? Well, I usually ride my bike to work, and several times recently I have almost been run over BY PEOPLE YAKKING ON THEIR CELLPHONES.
See how that works? Carriers are improving their coverage so that people talk on their phones while driving, thereby becoming distracted and running me over. Scary, huh?
Who’s trying to kill Mike Dano?
We are! We are!
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–So I did not get elected to the board of Motorola, but neither did dissident, billionaire Carl Icahn. Chuck Norris is also among those who were not elected to Motorola’s board of directors, so I suggest all you Moto stockholders out there: beware.
–Astute reader Ashley pointed out last week that Verizon Wireless issued a press release about Bon Jovi around the same time that the rock group appeared on the TV show “American Idol.” Ashley’s hunch paid off this week when Verizon Wireless issued another press release detailing the top 10 Bee Gees songs downloaded through its Vcast Music service-at the very same time the Bee Gees’ Barry Gibb appeared on “American Idol.” So there you go: Verizon Wireless is mad that AT&T is getting all the love from Ryan Seacrest. Poor VZW.
–T-Mobile USA is currently running a promotion where all of its customers can send unlimited text, picture, video and instant messages on Mother’s Day. The stated reason is so that its customers can connect with their mother on Mother’s Day. Yup, I know my mother would just love to get a video message on her cellphone from me on Mother’s Day. Of course, first my mom would have to buy a cellphone, then she would have to learn how to turn it on, then she would have to read the instruction booklet to figure out how to open and watch a video message, and then she would ask me what the heck a video message is. Then she would kindly ask me to call her on her landline phone, because that would just be easier, dear.
I welcome your comments. Please send me an e-mail at [email protected].