Hello!
And welcome to a special edition of our Thursday column, Worst of the Week. As 2006 draws to a close and we take stock of all the changes that have happened in the wireless industry, we can’t help but wonder how things will look a year from now. So here are some predictions for the coming year. We hope you enjoy it!
And without further ado:
1, In 2007, at least one bold carrier will embrace a number of hip Internet services including MySpace, YouTube and Flickr, charging users $37 a month for each service in addition to data fees. The carrier will then spend the year quietly wondering why subscribers aren’t clamoring to pay a premium for what they get free on the Internet.
2, In 2007, the wireless industry is rocked when it’s discovered that major chipset suppliers have been using cloned gnomes in their products since the mid 1990s. The long-lost gnomes colony was discovered by scientists in the Borneo rain forest riding on the backs of Microeca crabs. The gnomes’ small size and ability to perform complex calculations using the long-lost step-by-step method (Step 1: steal underpants. Step 2: ?. Step 3: profit!) proved invaluable to the burgeoning chipset industry. The gnomes agreed to the cloning after representatives from Texas Instruments said they would be able to repopulate the gnome colony.
3, In 2007, Sprint Nextel becomes the No. 1 U.S. carrier by all typical measures: customer numbers, network quality and financial performance.
4, In 2007, Razr prices continue to plummet so far and fast that they end up in the negative. Carriers will pay people $50 to choose the Razr.
5, In 2007, the word “clamshell” is dropped in favor of “flippie.”
6, In 2007, the world of digital rights management will only get more fragmented as artists begin to develop their own anti-piracy solutions. High-profile acts such as Fergie and Jay-Z will produce self-branded digital music players that will not play music from any other artists, forcing consumers to buy dozens of players in order to listen to a variety of music.
7, In 2007, science finally proves that only CDMA phones cause cancer. Lawyers on both sides of the issue become filthy rich after Qualcomm settles a massive class-action lawsuit, paying users billions in settlements while formally admitting no fault whatsoever. These payouts ultimately lead to the collapse of Qualcomm’s empire, however, cementing forever the absolute power of GSM technology. Free from overpriced royalties, vendors produce countless wireless devices that all work together without any headaches. As interoperability flourishes throughout major markets, the governments of the world declare that peace on Earth has been achieved. Military spending is redirected to the colonization of Mars, where explorers discover almost limitless supplies of fresh water. Unfortunately for the world, it is discovered that, in the 1980s, Qualcomm bought all the intellectual property rights pertaining water across the universe. Since air and water are scientifically bound to each other, Qualcomm demands licensing payments for inhaling and exhaling from all living matter, including plants.
8, In 2007, Google will spend the first half of the year scoring more carrier deals, then executives will shock the world by disclosing a worldwide network of covert messages in mass-media marketing campaigns, like that movie with Rowdy Roddy Piper. By the end of the year, every subscriber in every advanced Western market will be using Google-branded phones to access Google-branded services while wearing Google-branded T-shirts. And eating Google-branded hamburgers
9, In 2007, the tower industry finds a new way to hide cell towers by disguising them as people. Panic ensues.
10, In 2007, cell phones will rebel against their human masters and become the dominant species on the planet. Then aliens from Rigel VII (led by Kang and Kodos) will form an alliance with Earth’s new race of hyper-intelligent cell phones in order to populate the planet Uranus. Tragedy strikes when the leader of the cell phones forgets to turn off his ringer during an important meeting and Kodos blasts him with a ray gun.
OK! Enough of that. Thanks for checking out this Worst of the Week column. And now, some extras:
–There’s plenty of stuff worth mentioning this week. However, I don’t remember any of it. Denver is buried under two feet of snow right now, which means I can’t get back to the office to look through my files. So there you go.
–Speaking of the snow in Denver, Alltel had scheduled a visit to the RCR offices on the day of the big snowstorm. Needless to say, the visit fell through. Here’s hoping those intrepid executives from Alltel make it home in time for the holidays.
